"He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven.” ~Thomas Fuller

I talk a lot about negative past events and releasing the negative effects, and creating positively in the present. Ever since my father’s death, many gifted people have told me he was around me wanting forgiveness. Forgiveness is the tool of release. We must forgive the fearful events that affect our present moment to move forward. Many times the people of our past are the anchors we must release. In my life my father and I never got along. I was a product of his beliefs that he imposed upon me and I had to overcome those beliefs. He was the product of the beliefs imposed upon him by his father.

Most people especially of the boomer generation had a conditional love experience with their parents. You see, it was regular practice for the reward system to be in place. When you reward for “good” behavior and punish for "bad" behavior, you reinforce both the good and the bad. But when you reward the good behavior and redirect the bad behavior towards good behavior, you are focused on the positive reinforcement and the thing that they truly are wanting. Many times in the reward system people can weigh heavily on the negative aspect and thus make the child feel as if they can do no good. Many times a child will act out because they want attention….any attention.

“Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors” ~Jeshua

That is the past. Now in the present moment we search for the path to move forward and to create a positive life. We must first forgive. We must forgive those who have given us the negative beliefs that are manifesting unwanted creations in our life. We must also forgive ourselves. We must cut ourselves some slack. The self doubt created in our past creates actions in our present moment that must also be forgiven. Thus the forgiveness is manifold.  

Take this moment and think of all the people in your past who told you, or made you feel that you were less than they. Realize they did so out of their personal experiences and were doing what they were programmed to do. Only you here in the present moment can release those beliefs for not only yourself but for those who came before. You here in the now can heal generations of pain and break the cycle. Are you willing to forgive the past to create the future? Without a change in belief then you will be manifesting just as they did.

Each of our parents did the best they could with what they had. Sometime their “best” was detrimental or harmful to the ones they raised.  You do not have to live that life. Forgive and be free to fly.

“Life is an adventure in forgiveness.” ~Norman Cousins

“Anger is never without an argument, but seldom with a good one.” ~Indira Gandhi

When someone finds themselves in a confrontational relationship, the first reaction is to meet that other person with like or stronger negative energy. The volume increases and they find themselves having an ever more frustrating experience. They can’t see a way out or around it and they begin to contemplate leaving the relationship. Sometimes people even walk away from parents or siblings in that mix. Many times that is the only option because the other person has free will as well. This being said however, the majority of the time the relationships can be completely rescued and in fact be better than they ever were.

Most people have a hard time understanding the other person’s point of view until the playing ground is leveled. How do we level the playing ground, you might ask? The best thing a person can do is step back, take a breath and try to see from the other person’s perspective. If you don’t agree with it that is OK - people disagree every day. The reaction is not because of the disagreement. The reaction comes from a very different place. When an aggressive or argumentative response arises, it is a direct response to a perceived ego assault. The ego is an interesting aspect of the human animal. The ego always wants to be right and on top. The main reason for this is the desire for respect. Respect - what is it? It is the desire to be loved. And so the vehement response is not the disagreement, it is actually the fear of not being loved (respected).  

“He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

When a response of this nature confronts you the worst thing you could do is feed it the same vehement response. That would cause an escalation and in fact only exaggerate matters. Instead think of this solution:  If love is the thing they are afraid of not having, then give them love at that very precise moment. I had a woman come to me because she was at wit’s end with her mother. It seemed that every time they got together they butted heads aggressively. I told her that when this happened turn to her mother and say, “Mom, no matter what you do or say I will always love you.” Her response to me was that she didn’t think she could say that because she didn’t feel that. So I gave her permission to say the words, do the deed and NOT think it, until her mother gave her a reason to think it.

I didn’t see the woman for quite some time, when I bumped into her at an spiritual expo. She was smiling and so happy to see me. “You saved my relationship with my mother, “she said. She continued telling me that she did as I suggested and said the words, did the deed, and was prepared not to think it. Her mother threw a wrench in the works though. She burst into tears immediately and told her daughter she loved her too. Since then they have had a great relationship.

Everyone wants to be loved. It is why we are here. I believe that love is the purest essence of our Source/God and we are all here to experience our separation so we can come to know God /Universe fully. So, on some level, everyone wants to be loved, because God is Love. When you negate the fear of not having love by giving love instead of fear, you defuse the situation and a new loving situation has the opportunity to take root. You have the power to alter any relationship just by keeping that simple fact in mind. They just want to be loved.

“The key to change... is to let go of fear.” ~Rosanne Cash

“He who experiences the unity of life sees his own Self in all beings, and all beings in his own Self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye.” ~Buddha

In my private sessions people tell me all the time about their experiences. Many times those experiences are based on other people’s perceptions or reactions. They look outside of themselves for approval and reassurance that they are doing well. That search for recognition is in essence the desire to be loved, the most basic of wants. I tell you this to shine light on a simple part of self that may have a fear at its core. It is truly yourself that matters. Are you proud of what you have done? Do you think your joke is funny? Love yourself by giving yourself approval. Do not hold yourself to the judgment of others or you will never find contentment. Everyone else has their own perception of the world. If you look for someone to judge then someone to judge will be there to oblige. Because you are coming from fear the judgment will represent fear. Your world is your creation. It’s all about you. Not other people’s perception of you. Hold yourself to the highest standard…your own.

“To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” ~William Shakespeare

Now many people will look at this as a self centered or egotistical position. Each of those is a perception of someone else. They are judgments based in the thought that people won’t love you. Who won’t they love? Will it be the person afraid of being completely themselves or the person who is subservient to their judgment? The fact is that the more you are yourself the more those people who resonate with you will surround you, because like attracts like. If that statement is true, if you are in fear then fearful people surround you. What do fearful people do? They judge. Be you without judgment of self or others. If someone is not to your liking then move on. You don’t have to feel the negative response of their judgments.

Many will say they have to leave their families under those circumstances. That might be a choice or you may decide not to allow their judgment to affect you and see it as fear. Be you and let the chips fall where they may. Setting down fear allows you to fully express your joy. Sometimes the fear you set down will be yours and sometimes it will be someone else’s. By being yourself you are allowing your world to adjust and your life becomes easier.  It is only you who can do it. Live as the full expression of you. Enjoy the things you enjoy. Be the unhindered person of your dreams, love your life, and your life will love you back.

“Be that self which one truly is.” ~Soren Kierkegaard